When we meet someone, there are standard questions that we all ask: What do you do? and Where are you from? or Where do you live? We often think about those things in physical terms, but we rarely question where someone is living emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. We don’t even question ourselves in those areas – but maybe we should. In fact, where it concerns ourselves, we should probably do that often.
Shortly after our daughter passed away, we had the unenviable and extremely difficult job of packing up her apartment and moving all of her things into our new home; another goodbye. We’ve observed three birthdays and three Christmas’ since her death. We are coming up on the fourth year in a few weeks. There will always be reminders of what we’ve lost around every corner.
I don’t know what the future holds or what new or tragic disappointments await me, but I know I don’t want to always be peeking around corners wondering what’s coming next.
So here is what I’ve discovered in my journey from grief to hope and purpose: when we dwell on our pain and disappointments, we create an expectancy in our lives we can’t ever escape, and we move from one crisis to another.
Through the process, I’m learning there is a fine line between remembering and dwelling. Yes, I absolutely must take time to remember Aly – who she was, what she did and the joy she took in living life and loving people. There is healing in that. However, I cannot allow myself to camp or dwell there.
A “dwelling” is a place where we live. So, when we use “dwell” in reference to our thoughts, we are literally talking about places where we choose to live in our minds and emotions.
When I dwell on my circumstances, struggles, or pain, I give Satan an opportunity to pull me into the depths of grief and lock me into a room of despair, discouragement, pain, and self-loathing. Make no mistake, it will become my home; a place where I live, breathe, eat, and sleep. It actually will become more like a prison cell, a place of bondage and no escape.
Several years ago some things happened in one of our close ministry relationships. Without going into detail, the relationship was broken and it left us reeling. We were completely caught off guard by the circumstances, and it hurt deeply.
We never had really walked through this level of broken relationship before, and we handled it poorly. We allowed offense to set in and we began to dwell on the situation. It consumed everything – our thoughts, our conversations, our family, even our marriage. It took us several years to get through that completely, because we set up camp, making the problem and resulting pain our home. It locked us in a prison cell, and almost destroyed our marriage and our ministry. It wasn’t the broken relationship that did that, rather, it was because we couldn’t release it to God. It was more than we could handle, so we shouldn’t have tried. Instead, we made it our dwelling place.
John 15 is the well-known chapter about the vine and the vine dresser. In verses 4 – 10 Jesus talks to His disciples about “abiding in Him.”
“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.” (John 15:4 ESV)
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love.” (John 15: 9-10 ESV)
The word John chooses to use here for “abide” is the Greek word meno. It means to stay in a given place, remain, dwell. It’s where we live, where we take up residence.
Jesus is telling His disciples that in order to have fruitful, productive lives for the Kingdom of God, they must find their permanence in Him. He must be their dwelling place.
The message is obviously not just for the twelve disciples. He’s speaking to any of us who call ourselves followers of Jesus. Our dwelling place should be in Him. Our thoughts, emotions, plans, hurts, and disappointments – everything must be in Him, given to Him.
These are some of the Lord’s final words to His followers, His friends. He is about to leave them and He needs them to understand a few very important things. One of the most important issues He chooses to discuss is this command to “abide.” The importance of this discussion was lost on the disciples in that moment, but Jesus knew they would need these words to get through the “shattering” that was coming.
To put an exclamation point on His words, He concludes the discussion about abiding with these words, “These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full.” (John 15:11 NKJV)
Did you see that? “…that my joy may remain in you….” It’s that word meno again. “That my joy may ABIDE/DWELL in you.”
The promise is when we abide or dwell in Him, His joy will then live and dwell in us!
Now, consider that statement in relationship to the verse in James 1, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds….” How do we count it all joy? By abiding in Him! By dwelling on Him and His goodness, His joy lives in us!
Notice He didn’t say “…so that your problems will go away” or “…so that people will treat you better.” He said, “…that your joy may be full.” It’s not the temporal joy you have when your problems disappear, it’s the eternal joy always with you, in the good times and in the middle of the storm. When He takes up residence in our lives, so does His joy. You get the fullness of who He is: Love. Joy. Peace.
The problem is we only want Him to be a part of our lives when it’s convenient, when it doesn’t interfere with other things and other plans.
I’m sorry to disappoint you, but it doesn’t work that way. That’s not what “dwelling” means. It’s not a “come and go” relationship. He gives us His fullness, His joy abides or dwells in us when we dwell in Him. It’s an exchange, but it’s not an “I’ll give you whatever you give me” exchange. It’s a “you give me your everything, and I’ll give you my everything” exchange.
Trust me, we’re getting the better deal, but it is all or nothing. We don’t get to keep some things back and expect God will still give us His fullness.
It really is all or nothing.
If we’re going to dwell somewhere, it’s a place of permanence, a place of commitment and community. We can’t have our feet in two “dwelling places” and expect to develop community. The same applies to the Kingdom of God. We can’t call ourselves citizens of the kingdom while living in, or like, the world. We have to choose.
Dwelling on your problems, disappointment, or loss will bring nothing but a prison cell of more pain and grief. However, making Jesus your dwelling place brings fullness of joy in spite of the disappointment and pain.
Here are a couple of my favorite reminders of the beauty, hope, and joy found in dwelling in Him:
“How lovely is your dwelling place,
O LORD of hosts!
My soul longs, yes, faints
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and flesh sing for joy
to the living God….For a day in your courts is better
than a thousand elsewhere.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of wickedness.” (Psalm 84: 1-2, 10 ESV)
“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.” (Psalm 91:1 ESV)
When pain and disappointment find their mark in our lives, we can take shelter in the courts of the Lord, our strong tower and a shelter from the storms.
Peace.
Finding Hope and Purpose in the Storm 
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