Refusing to Quit: Embracing the Battleground of Faith and Endurance

It’s been a minute since I’ve written anything. Actually, I haven’t posted anything this year. Truth be told, I haven’t had anything to write. Most of what I post comes from deep moments where I am pursuing something that is lacking in my own life and find some nugget of truth that impacts the hope that was lost. The past few months I haven’t felt the strength to pursue that hope. I haven’t quit, but I’ve wanted to.

To say that my life the last 4 years has been difficult is a grand understatement. I am not alone in that place. So many of us have struggled to find our footing in a long season of pain, grief, and transition. If we’re honest, we don’t let most people see all the things going on under the surface. For me, there are days when I feel like I’m going to be OK and I find that extra burst of strength to push on and through. But I have other days where my life seems like a wasteland that goes on and on without end. On the surface, however, everything may seem fine.

For those of us who have walked through intense pain and grief, we learn quickly that most people have a saturation point for someone else’s pain. We can handle a greater amount of our own pain than we can of another persons. So, we learn to cover it up. We learn to put on a smile and push on, even if we can’t push through. We cover up the deep wounds and only reveal the scars on the surface that seem as though they’ve healed. All the while, we are fighting a deeper battle for our hope and purpose in a new world that has transformed into something that we had never thought it would be. It’s not a battle that ends in 6 months (the amount of time it takes on average for people in our sphere to go back to normal). It doesn’t end in 2 years or even 5 years. It’s a permanent battle that is reignited at most holidays, birthdays, and other events and memories.

For me in this season, the past 6 months have been a battle for my purpose. It’s a battle I am still fighting. It’s a battle I will probably be fighting for a while. Why? Because the Lord is making me into something that is beyond my ability to understand or attain apart from Him. It requires passing through the furnace of disappointment, pain, and sacrifice. I guess that’s why I love the stories of King David so much. He faced so much pain, betrayal, and sin, yet he persevered in his relationship with God. His men were ready to stone him after the loss at Ziklag (1 Samuel 30). It says that David “was greatly distressed…but he strengthened himself in the Lord his God.” He had no one around to help him – they all wanted to kill him – so he turned to the Lord. I think most people would have run away – quit. I know, because I’ve been that person – the one that just wants to run – start over with something that’s not so difficult.

I think, in the end, that’s what it comes down to. Did I stay the course? Has there been longevity to my walk with God or did I quit somewhere along the way? Quitting doesn’t always mean walking away from our faith. Sometimes it just means leaving the battle. The past 5 months, I’ve struggled to stay in the fight. There have been many days where I just wanted to be a “normal” Christian with a “normal” life. I was tired of fighting for more.

In the end, I’ve decided that I don’t want to be normal (my wife would argue that I could never be normal anyway). I want more. I want everything that my Heavenly Father has for me. However that comes at a cost. The battle is not always just a physical one, but it’s spiritual, mental, emotional. The battle is won by those people that stay the course and strengthen themselves in the Lord and “land on their feet” even when everything is turned upside down. It’s the runner who gets up and finishes the race after falling down, even though he is bloody and bruised. These are the people that God is shaping through fire and pressure. Kingdom builders are not people that turn and run when there are disappointments or defeats. Pain for these kind of men and women is not a deterrence – it is a reminder that they are in a battle and that every swing of the blade is making them stronger. They stay in the fight – bloodied, bruised, and often, exhausted. For many of them, you won’t even know they are in a fight – because they strengthen themselves in the Lord and continue pushing through.

I’ve decided that I don’t want to quit and I don’t want to be normal. I want to stay in the fight and push through the pressing and the heat to become like David – a man that could revive himself even when his world was falling apart because of his constant and consistent reliance on the Lord. God make me a quick learner and a man of resolve, determined to become everything you intend me to be.

Peace.