I Still Cry

I still cry. I’m not talking about a tear rolling down my cheek every so often, I’m talking about the screaming into the pillow, red-faced, snot-dripping-on-the-floor kind of crying. Oh sure, it’s not every day like that first year after our daughter passed away, but it still hits me from time to time like a massive crashing wave against the rocks.

We’ve all heard the statement, “time heals all wounds.” For the first year or so, I held on to that misconception like a drowning man on a sinking ship. I’ve come to realize that there is very little truth to that ancient proverb. If not properly managed and treated, wounds can kill…over time.

I’m learning that our healing from pain and disappointment depends greatly on where we are dwelling.

There is a fine line between remembering and dwelling. Yes, I absolutely must take time to remember Aly—who she was, what she did and the joy she took in living life and loving people. There is healing in that. However, I cannot allow myself to camp or dwell there.

A “dwelling” is a place where we live. So, when we use “dwell” in reference to our thoughts, we are literally talking about places where we choose to live in our minds and emotions.

When I dwell on my circumstances, struggles, or pain, I give Satan an opportunity to pull me into the depths of grief and lock me into a room of despair, discouragement, pain, and self-loathing. Make no mistake, it will become my home; a place where I live, breathe, eat, and sleep. It actually will become more like a prison cell, a place that is difficult to escape.

Several years ago some things happened in one of our close ministry relationships. Without going into detail, the relationship was broken and it left us reeling. We were completely caught off guard by the circumstances, and it hurt deeply.

We never had really walked through this level of broken relationship before, and we handled it poorly. We allowed offense to set in and we began to dwell on the situation. It consumed everything—our thoughts, our conversations, our family, even our marriage. It took us several years to get through that completely, because we set up camp, making the problem and resulting pain our home. It locked us in a prison cell, and almost destroyed our marriage and our ministry. It wasn’t the broken relationship that did that, rather, it was because we couldn’t release it to God. It was more than we could handle, so we shouldn’t have tried. Instead, we made it our dwelling place.

John 15 is the well-known chapter about the vine and the vine dresser. In verses 4 – 10 Jesus talks to His disciples about “abiding in Him.”

“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me.” (John 15:4 ESV)

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commandments and abide in his love.” (John 15: 9-10 ESV)

The word John chooses to use here for “abide” is the Greek word meno. It means “to stay in a given place, remain, dwell.” It’s where we live, where we take up residence.

Jesus is telling His disciples that in order to have fruitful, productive lives for the Kingdom of God, they must find their permanence in Him.

He must be their dwelling place.

The message is obviously not just for the twelve disciples. He’s speaking to any of us who call ourselves followers of Jesus. Our dwelling place should be in Him. Our thoughts, emotions, plans, hurts, and disappointments…everything must be in Him, given to Him.

These are some of the Lord’s final words to His followers, His friends. He is about to leave them and He needs them to understand a few very important things. One of the most important issues He chooses to discuss is this command to “abide.” The importance of this discussion was lost on the disciples in that moment, but Jesus knew they would need these words to get through the “shattering” that was coming.

To put an exclamation point on His words, He concludes the discussion about abiding with this: “These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full.” (John 15:11 NKJV)

Did you see that? “…that my joy may remain in you….” It’s that word meno again. “That my joy may ABIDE/DWELL in you.” The promise is when we abide or dwell in Him, His joy will then live and dwell in us!

Now, consider that statement in relationship to the verse in James 1, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds….” How do we count it all joy? By abiding in Him! By dwelling on Him and His goodness, His joy lives in us! Notice He didn’t say “…so that your problems will go away” or “…so that people will treat you better.” He said, “…that your joy may be full.” It’s not the temporal joy you have when your problems disappear, it’s the eternal joy always with you, in the good times and in the middle of the storm. When He takes up residence in our lives, so does His joy. You get the fullness of who He is: Love. Joy. Peace.

Yes, I still cry. Yes, I’m still shattered by the events of the last 3 years. BUT, I’m growing and maturing. The pain and disappointment may never go away, but God is developing a strength in me to carry these things as I continue to make His presence my home…my dwelling place.

He will do the same in you. He loves you and is FOR you. Think about that – the Creator of the universe is FOR YOU!

…and it’s ok to cry.

Peace.